Not if Cthulhu eats it first

Today someone said to me - again - in reference to global warming: "the planet will burn when god wants it to burn."

Well, if we're talking mythical beings, here, my money is on The Great Cthulhu.

Really.  Who would win in a face-to-face?

OK, I'll even throw in the dad god and the ghost bird.

 

Sure, Cthulhu may be sleeping...for now.  But he can wake up any time.  Any time.  And when he does, he won't be hanging out in some cloud city only showing up to burn a bush or carve commandments in stone every couple of thousand years.  Not The Great One.  He'll be on the move, getting the job done, showing himself to humans and they won't have to ever doubt his existence for the rest of their short lives.

Sure god has angels.  One of them might even have killed a dragon, once.  But Cthulhu has minions.  Lots and lots of minions with big teeth and claws.

Some god you have there

And his followers engage in threats.

A debate over Sunday shopping has led P.E.I.'s transportation minister to suggest God had struck down the leader of the Opposition, who fell and injured herself after introducing a bill to allow Sunday openings year-round.

Oh sure, cause and effect.  What else could it be?

"I'm not what you call a saint, but I believe in God and I believe in [doing] the best I can do. You were at CBC pushing Sunday shopping, were you not? On TV?"  (Transportation Minister Ron MacKinley) asked Crane. "Right after that interview what happened?"

"We had a bit of an accident," Crane responded.

"Does that not tell you something?" said MacKinley.

"Like what?" said Crane.

Yeah, like what? Asks 900ft

"Like the Lord works in mysterious ways, and maybe you should start worrying what's going on here? We are going all the time, we're getting farther and farther away, whether it's prayers in the schools or whatever it is," said MacKinley.

Sounds rather threatening.  I thought it was Thor who wielded a hammer.  But since we’re on the subject of your god’s mysterious ways and how he breaks bones to make a point,  MacKinley, what was he trying to say here, and here, and here, and here?

Wow.  In MacKinley’s world, and that of others like him, we could just dispense with governments altogether and watch for...signs.  Except they do seem a little tricky to interpret.

Between the brazen whores, the satan worshipping pagans, and the ho-mo-seck-shulls...

...it’s a wonder any decent folk survive the invisible sky monsters' collateral damage.

It appears the forgiving, compassionate christian deity never really dealt adequately with Sodom and Gomorrah and returns to exact more punishment.  

The invisible monster’s alternate ego is still pursuing his wimin’ hatin’ ways.  Shoulda been breast fed, maybe.    

Sure, he fucked up and made satan, but that doesn’t mean anyone should, you know, be mentioned in the same sentence as the dark one.           

Those gods really suck at marksmanship.  Hell of a lot of civilian casualties in their war against being human.

There are training camps for that problem.